The Morning News - How Many Names Hath God?

8 March 2005 | STORIES
How Many Names Hath God?

No matter when we say the word God, whether in church or in vain, couldn’t we all use a couple synonyms for the all-mighty one? Michael Rottman examines the many possibilities, e.g., Abraham, or Clapton.


Abe

This name was God’s first besides “God.” God had spoken to Abraham, at the time called Avram, and told him, “You shall be the father of a multitude of nations. And your name will no longer be Avram, but Abraham.”

And Abraham found the courage to whisper, “Yes.”

“It’s good isn’t it?” asked God.

“Yes,” Abraham whispered.

“No, I really like it,” said God. “Mm. You know what? Abraham shall be my name.”

“Yes,” Abraham whispered. “And… who am I again?”

The Lord pretended not to hear, but He had, because He is the Lord. “Abe, they’ll call me,” He said proudly. “‘Hey, Abe.’”

“Yes?” said Abraham, the one who wasn’t God. God began to see the smoke of confusion upon the future.


Cheyenne

For a time, God carried a pearl-handled revolver. No one knew where He had gotten it, but they knew better than to ask. He enjoyed shooting it, though He was not as perfect a shot as He expected He would be. He began wearing boots and drawling. The heralds foretold a mighty, rootin’-tootin’ city, and its name pleased God very much.


Gosh

The popular exclamation greatly confused the Lord and the heavenly host. God kept asking if they thought His children were talking about Him. The heavenly host didn’t know. God thought it sounded kind of blasphemous. The heavenly host said that Gosh may be a substitute for God, but in a way that tries to avoid blasphemy. God nodded and dropped the subject, but He kept repeating the word and shaking His head wistfully.


LawyerGod

Muttered by an Israelite after sitting through four hours of Moses proclaiming the Law at Sinai. Those standing nearby began repeating the name. God, annoyed, told Moses to stop and let the Israelites “settle down.” Someone began snoring loudly, and a chuckle spread through the crowd. God took out His pearl-handled revolver and fired, killing a donkey, which for some reason sent the Israelites into gales of laughter. God shook with rage. The man whose tongue had uttered the nickname was stricken dumb. See also StuffyGod and Jerkhovah.


Allah

Some precocious, tow-headed second-graders in America’s heartland learned that Judaism and Christianity have the same roots as Islam. Darned if those adorable tykes didn’t go home and tell their parents that God was Allah! The one true faith had a long laugh over that one! Predated the Buddha/Santa Claus and Jesus/E.T. debacles.


Jimmy

The archangel Gabriel was summoned by the will of God. Gabriel bowed his head and replied, “How may I serve you, Jimmy? I mean, Lord?” Thus followed the awkwardest silence in the history of heaven.


Am

Moses cried, “When the slaves in Goshen ask your name, what shall I tell them?” and God said, “Ehyeh-Asher-Ehyeh. I am who I am.”

“Are you sure?” asked Moses.

“You will say, ‘Ehyeh has commanded you.’”

Moses went and did the Lord’s bidding. He returned a short time later.

“No one really takes the name Am seriously.”

God said, “Did you use the word Ehyeh?”

“They already know that Ehyeh means Am. It’s our language. They think it’s a weird name. And not as pleasing as Osiris.”

“I wasn’t speaking literally. It’s kind of a play on words, like, I’m sort of beyond a name, because I AM. So for them, that’s all the identity I need. I am.”

“I think the problem is the verb being used in place of—”

“Okay, you know what? Tell them they can call me He Who Doesn’t Put Up With Shit Like This, or better yet, they can call me He Who’s Gonna Leave Them To Rot In Egypt. See if they like that name better.”


Hilroy

The Most Holy personally oversees production of this brand of spiral notebooks.


Clapton

God accepted the late-’60s slogan as a compliment. However, after listening to God trying to get the riff from “Sunshine of Your Love” for the umpteenth time, one of the cherubs suggested cancelling “the divine jam session.”


Aphrodite

God partook of an exchange program with the 12 Olympians, which proved fraught with difficulty. He Who Is Most High was put in charge of love. God’s patience was sorely tested. He became known as the pantheon downer. When the original Aphrodite was recalled—she had grown mad with power and had inspired many needless holy wars—God wearily resumed His post and masculinity, vowing to love His subjects as little as possible. On His last day at Olympus, He nicked that golden apple for Himself.


Rambo

God ran into the Fallen One.

God asked, “Well, how fared the Savior against thy trickery? How is he enjoying his earthly riches? Hm?” God knew full well that Jesus had refused the Fallen One, but these two had this thing going on.

Lucifer said simply, “It didn’t work out, Rambo.”

“What?”

“Rambo. Because of the rams.”

“Rams?” asked God, worried that He looked stupid.

“You know. ‘Go and sacrifice this ram, go sacrifice that ram, bring your son and a ram to the mountain, blow through the ram’s horn.’ What is it about rams? I always wanted to ask. I think you’re obsessed.”

God just smiled indulgently and walked/drifted away.

“Do you hate them, or do you eat their souls or something? Do they turn you on? Do you wish you were a ram? Where you going, Rambo? Hey, Ramalama!”

Thereafter, Lucifer used every opportunity to bother the Lord with his ram jokes. Truly, he is the Father of all Lame Shtick.


The Railsplitter

God looked down at Abraham Lincoln and said, “Oh, sure they love him, sure. Why? The name! He’s president because of that name, my name.” God decided to take one of Abe Lincoln’s nicknames to see how Lincoln liked it.


Zagbrobbagaghra

Used by missionaries in those foreign lands where respect for a deity is earned by a fearsome-sounding, multi-syllabic name. God knows how to play ball.


* * *

Michael Rottman lives in Toronto. His work has appeared in several Canadian publications. Two of his plays (Free Room: Two Short Comedies) appeared in the 2004 Toronto Fringe Festival to middling reviewsThe Morning News - How Many Names Hath God?

inside a story

I actually found this on a fellow blogger's site (http://www.emergentkiwi.org.nz/), and it could have been something I wrote myself, so here it is.

My early experiences of Christianity were in what I now call a “point” faith. Testimonies were framed around the conversion moment and the emphasis was on a decision to follow Jesus.

My recent reading of Scriptures has moved to a greater desire to indwell the story. Rather than preach for the “point,” rather than worry about who is in and who is out, I want to tell the story of the amazing grace of God and the radical ethical implications of this grace for our lifestyles.

This seems to me to open everyone to the challenge of the gospel. All of us need to hear and re-hear grace and ethics. It allows people to explore their actions from within, rather than be told what to do. It honours the fact that most of us live our lives by the story/ies we tell.

I was talking with a person on last week. A year ago, they were nowhere near church. In the process of a pastoral conversation we talked about the implications of Genesis 1 and 2, and God as Trinity for a specific area of their life. Rather than give advice, a list of “how tos”, we explored the story and made application. As they talked I suddenly realized they were inside the story. At some time in their year, at a point probably invisible to them, they had moved inside a story by which now guided their life and actions. I was seeing new life, without ever witnessing the moment of conception.

http://www.TheH.org/

No Stories

I found this at a place called, "food for thought" which no longer seeems to exists, but I thought it an interesting insite:


"In most churches only one person tells the story,
and they have been trained not to tell their story."

Knowing

in response to the question What did your pastor preach on last Sunday, the Sunday before that, and three weeks ago:

The question assumes that it is important to recall and remember. It assumes the priority on cognitive recall of information. An interesting assumption ... is the gospel about cognitive recall?

I don't think so. Let me apply the question to other things in life; I can't remember conversations with my wife, nor can I remember all the books I read or even films I watched. But they are still important in terms of building community and relaxation. I guess my point is - the question is a good way to beat up on preaching, but I think the question operates on a modernist assumption that knowing information is important. It fails to take into account a whole lot of other ways of being; space to process, rest, inspiration, confirmation, storytelling in the community, creation of shared values.

Experimentation

We've been experimenting with our service lately. What else can you do when you're a small group of people meeting in a large Sunday school room with only florescent lights, and a single on-off switch that controlls every last one of those lights so it is only possible to either have them all on, or all off.

Florescence isn't the kind of mood you really want to have for a church of pretty much any kind.

So, I went to Target (yep, I gave in and went there) and found out they had these little bitty cute lamps on sale for less than $8. I bought 14 of them. They all have a bit of a Gothic feel to them, especially with the shades (which was included in the $8).

It may be a little too dark when the sun goes down, but that won't be a problem for more than another month. Soon the sun will be up until 9:00 PM.

So, I put together this multi-media presentation in the only computer program I know how to use for such things. Yep. Emergent isn't about powerpoint, but until I find a 16 year old to help out who's really into multi-media stuff, we're stuck with me.

I haven't preached a message for a few weeks. Although I sure have put in a lot of prep time getting these presentations together.

Each one lasts about 35-45 minutes. Someone in the group reads the 6-25 slides of one-sentence slides as they go by. I included secular videos and songs of off cd's. For one of the gatherings we had a dramatic reading. And we typically have discussion afterward and some prayer. For one gathering I played a movie preview. I think I'll be doing more of those. It seemed to set the kind of mood we're looking for at our Sunday evening gatherings.

The entire prestation is what "preached." It was pretty kewl. I didn't work with our music person very closely. I wanted to give God a chance to work through us separetly to do HIS magic, the way only He can.

There have certainly been some stumbles and falls, but generally, this format is working.

I can't wait to expand it with more live music for the metal-influenced ear.

http://www.TheH.org/

And the bands played elsewhere / With no prayer of a decent crowd, Christian rockers bypass Bay Area

"And the bands played elsewhere / With no prayer of a decent crowd, Christian rockers bypass Bay Area: "And the bands played elsewhere"

With no prayer of a decent crowd, Christian rockers bypass Bay Area
Joe Garofoli, Chronicle Staff Writer
Thursday, March 3, 2005

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Two rock acts touring behind albums at the top of the Christian music charts are playing California this week -- but like most religious rock 'n' roll caravans, this one won't be stopping in the Bay Area.
Explaining to Christian rock fans in the nation's fourth-largest music- buying market why they have to drive at least 90 minutes to see Mercy Me and Jeremy Camp is a frustrating task for Christian rock musicians, promoters and radio executives, for whom religious music is as much a spiritual calling as it is a profession.
The reason Christian bands can't find a gig in the Bay Area, they say, is rooted somewhere in the ethereal world of blue-state politics and the bottom- line realities of the music biz.
To those in the secular music world, it's a head-scratcher.
'It's unusual for such a big metropolitan area to be that devoid of a type of music,' said Gary Bongiovanni, editor of Pollstar magazine, which charts the concert tour business. 'It's like, sure, you don't go to New York City to hear country music, but country bands still play there.
'There must be some sort of cultural component to this,' Bongiovanni said. 'Either the audience doesn't exist, or it exists and it isn't being served.'
Part of the reason is economic; Christian concert tours don't gross as much as their secular counterparts, making them less lucrative to promote. At No. 51, Bill Gaither was the highest-grossing Christian act on P"

Analysis: Atheism worldwide in decline - (United Press International)

Analysis: Atheism worldwide in decline - (United Press International)

WorldNetDaily: Clinton ally pushes 'transformational education'

WorldNetDaily: Clinton ally pushes 'transformational education'